My Selfish Love
by Nevin c'Edelweys
Summary: Did you know what the most painful thing in life is? The most painful thing in this whole world is to be in love. How so? Let me show you, how painful it is to fell in love. Everything starts from one simple word; love. Then when you have to choose one between two lovein your life, what will you choose? But me, i'll choose to be selfish; My Selfish Love.


**I DO NOT OWN NARUTO**

Did you know what the most painful thing in life is?

The most painful thing in this whole world is to be in love. How so? Let me show you, how painful it is to fell in love.

Everything starts from one simple word; love.

Today is my engagement to my dear cousin, Neji.

My heart clenched painfully as the thought of the engagement came to my mind. Neji. He is my only cousin and I loved him dearly. He is much like an older brother to me. He is very reliable, caring, and mature; he is everything any woman could ever hope for. But, to think of him as my fiancé, I can't, because to me, he is my brother, not my lover. Even though I loved him, but my love for him is a different kind of love from what a lover had.

I am gazing at my reflection on the full length mirror. A pair of lavender eyes staring back at me; full of sadness. I was used to seen those sad expression but usually it would disappear when the image of his sweet smiles flashed through my mind, but now it's different; what I feel now is purely sadness and misery.

Slowly, my hand reached to the mirror surface and trailing my own reflection: sorrowful expression with teary eyes. I could see my hand there as one tears fell from my teary eyes. I blinked. My other hands hurried to wipe the trace of tears off of my pale cheeks.

Then he came into my mind.

When everyone would turn their back on me, I know for sure, that one person would never do such a thing; Naruto Namikaze. He'll always be by my side, lend me his shoulder to cry. When everyone thinks of the worst of me, he would have always thinks about the best of me. Never had he ever seen me with half eyes. When he is by my side, I know for sure that there's nothing I can't do.

That's why I loved him with every fiber of my heart, _because he makes me feel special just being who I am._

My heart screamed that I should choose Naruto instead, but I can't do that and I won't do that. Because, even though all the memories I have with my family may not be the sweetest one, I'd still have to cherish it, simply because they are my family and I believe everything have their own place and so do I; I have my own place in my family heart.

_But, I knew life wasn't as simple as I thought it was._

Our life; my life and Neji's life, it's never even be our own from the start. Everything isn't about my feelings nor it is his, it's about our family, our ancestry.

That day, when my Father told me about the agreement between him and Uncle Hizashi, I was shocked. At first, I didn't believe it and think about it as a joke, but then again, Father is not a person with sense of humor and at the moment, I know that I will never had any say about my own future. Deep inside I know this day will come, sooner or latter, when I have to married the man my Father chose. Because it wasn't on my own to decide whom I will be marrying to.

I'd never had thought that all those caring words, warmth hugs, sweets smiles and all of the things Naruto's has done for me would become something painful to remember. I felt shame of myself, how could betrayed him this way? How could I leave him when all I've had ever wanted is to be with him?

Naruto Namikaze is the one and only man I've fallen for. He is the one that gave me strength to go on and he makes me believe in myself. He gives me the confident of a life time.

That's why I came to love him with whole of my heart, but to choose between him and my family? I just simply can't.

Can I be the egoistical one just to have both of them to be by my side? Just this once, can't god grant this selfish wish? If I can be the egoistical one just to have both of them to be by my side just this once, then I'll give everything; I promise to never ever hope for anything else in this life. To have the two of them by my side that's enough for me, I'm satisfied.

_So selfish of me._

Even though I knew deep down that my wish would never come true because it's too selfish to being hoped for in the first places. God would never grant such a selfish wish. But, when I have to choose between them, then I have to choose the right choice;

I have to choose the most precious one for me that I need its presence just to breath and I can't keep alive without them by my side.

Sometimes, I thought, why couldn't I fell in love with Neji instead? Why do I have to fell in love with someone else and not him? If I could choose whom I would've fallen for, then maybe, just maybe, everything would be different.

_But, life is never fair._

I hate myself when I still thought about some other man when I know I shouldn't think about him, because I was about to be engaged to someone else, especially that someone I soon to be engaged to is someone that love and care for me.

I knew I should forget all about him; the man I loved. Because, he is not mine to have and he will never be someone for me in way more than friends. But, the thought alone is already shattered my bruising heart.

My thought fell apart as I heard someone came to my room. My head turned around instantly and I came face to face with Neji; my cousin and my soon to be fiancé. He looks perfect; cool, collected and handsome as usual. As the thought of his good looking faces came, my blood rushing to my face and I was blushing but it was gone as soon as it comes. Once again, I look at him; he indeed such a perfection amongst any man I had ever met but unfortunately my heart doesn't looks for a perfection. But then, his faces betrayed his cool façade.

Time seems to freeze as we gazing at each other. No one wanted to take the first move to break the awkward silence between us; neither of us wants to loose or just simply give up from our staring contest. We were Hyuuga, and all the Hyuugas' is stubborn.

Finally, as usual, I was the one who loose. I decide to look away first but I refuse to move from my position that still facing him. I just wait for him to take the first move. And when I heard footsteps coming into my way, I know he was approaching me with his steady pace.

To my surprise, suddenly I felt his cold finger brushed against my cheek; give some tingling sensation through my whole body and just then I knew that I had shed some tears.

His finger felt like some metal knife to my warm skin. Unconsciously, I took a step back and then I can see a pained expression on his white pearly eyes. I was hurting him. The thought hit me like someone has just stabbed me. His still hanging hands slowly made its way to his side. I tried to open my lips but no words comes out, then I shut it again just to opened it once more, he still doesn't utter any words as if gave me the chance to - I don't know what – speaks? But still no words came from my parted lips.

"It's not too late for you to change your mind."

Neji's voice sound empty, it doesn't have any hint of emotion in it, as if he talks about nothing but his eyes said anything but that. Before I could even utter a word, he beat me again with his other cold tone. "You don't even want this. Why don't you run away now? Before its happening and I can't let you go."

My mind proceeds what had he just said. Run away? Escaping this cruel fate? Is it possible for me to escape from it now? If I escape then, maybe, I'll find my happiness. Yes, my happiness with someone I love, with him, with Naruto. I'll be happy.

_But, is this what I want? Do I really want this? Do I have the heart to let go of everything?_ Thousand thought came rushing through my mind. _Of course I'd give everything to be with Naruto, but, is it worth it? Is this love worthy enough to me to betray my family, my father, my little sister?_

My father harsh words, his hard façade, his disappointed gaze and Hanabi's genuine smiles, her concern faces. _Do I ready to abandon it just for my love; my selfish love?_

Oh Dear God, please don't make me choose. I don't know what I have to do, anymore. My heart is torn apart. I just can't find any answer; I can't find any way out of this all.

"Because, if you don't go now. Then I will never give you up to somebody else no matter what you say, even when you beg me to." He said silently.

My heart skips a beat as I heard what he is saying. I know, its cost him all his sanity and strength to offer me such a chance to escape and it's shattered his heart and pride to do such a thing.

_Why do I have to fell in love with someone else when there is someone before my own eyes who would sacrifices everything for me? This man who standing right in front of me is the man who will do everything for me, for my happiness, for my selfishness even though that's cost his own happiness._

I stand still, searching his eyes for some trace of something that even I don't know myself, and then what I find there is something I'd never thought to find myself_, sincerity_, and that is something that surprised me the most.

Instantly I felt very ashamed of myself.

There's Neji; standing in front of me and offer me such an easy way to escape everything while sacrificing his own feeling when I can't even let go of my desire and just thought about my own happiness without even give a single thought about his. I've always thought of myself as victim, but, the truth is, he is the victim, not me. And here I am about to run away; leave my family behind and ignoring Neji's feeling.

_How selfish of me to even think about such a thing._

_How pathetic of me to even give those idea of escaping any mind._

"Please leave, Hinata, before I change my mind." His voice is unreadable.

I muster my courage and ask, "W-why?"

Now his tense face snapped at me. His eyes stared at me full of emotion that I didn't recognized.

"Isn't it obvious." his voice is strong and hard, and it's sound more like a statement than question. "I do it because I love you."

His mask is shattered as he speaks his mind out. His confession must have been very hard for his man pride and it cost all of his courage and will power just to say it.

Slowly I take a step forward and then step by step until we were so close, just merely an inch apart or so, we were so close that I can smell his masculine scent radiating from his body. Pushed all of the emotion and keep a neutral face and I didn't had any difficulties as I was taught by the best. I tilted my head to see his.

"If you love me as you said." Neji was avoiding my eyes. "Then why would you offering me the way to escape when you just can have me all to yourself?" I ask.

"Because I want to give you a choice; something you had never had. And I want you to have a chance to choose in this matter so you wouldn't have any regret."

"W-why are you bothering to give me a choice? If you really love me then you would try harder to win over my heart and love but you had given up before the war even started." I say flatly.

Neji's voice is so soft just above whispers. "Who says I didn't fight for it?" he seems hurt. "I fight to gain your affection, your love and heart. But you were the one who doesn't and won't give me even just one chance to show you how much I love you. You were the one who seems oblivious to all of my effort to win you over. From the very beginning, you were the one who didn't let me fight in this war."

To hear his confession, I was at lost of words. He is right. From the very start, I was the one who simply didn't care. I was simply ignoring his feelings and blinded by my own selfishness to seek love from the one I love. "Why were you doing this? Why? Why'd you do this to me?" my voice trembling and it cost all of my power to restrain it to show.

"Because it's killing me to just watching your eyes lost its sparkle," his voice full of pain as he says it. "It's sliced my heart to be the one who take your love and your happiness away," now our eyes met but as soon as it happened, he avoiding my gaze. "And it's ripped my very soul to be sat still and watch you suffering and shed the tears whilst I know I was the reason for your misery. And I can't do anything but watch slowly but surely your shine vanished from your life!"

"So…is it ok if I wish to run away with some other guy?"

Neji's body tense and hand fisted with his jaw clenched. I watch him silently, waiting for his next step. A few minutes passed and still nothing then suddenly his fisted hand relaxed and his face become unreadable once more. He sighed while closing his eyes. His hands came into his pocket and the next I know is that he gave something metallic to my grasp. I was startled.

"Take it and use it wisely. I parked it at the usual place."

My eyes fell to Neji's Sport Car key. Then Neji turn his back to me and start to walk away but instinctively I reach out to him; stopped him from his way. I made to face me even though he seems reluctant to do so but he did nevertheless.

Slowly I put my head on his chest and closing my eyes tightly to prevent the tears on my eyes. Both of my hands made its way and grip his tux like my dear life is depending on it.

"I'm sorry." I whisper softly. I can feel his body tense but I won't let go of my death grip.

"Please don't do this. Just leave, Hinata. No need to worry, if something happening then I'll take the blame."

"No." I said softly but firm. I made my decision and I'll never back down, no matter what happened. "I wanted to go, yes. I do really want to go and escape this fate of mine. But, I can't and I won't. Because there is something more precious than him or my love for him," I say firmly. "I still have family and someone who will love me unconditionally."

I tilted my head and open my teary eyes to look at him. "Thank you for giving me the chance to choose, but I choose to be here. I'll never back down, because it my decision."

Neji seems shocked. "Why?"

"Because from the start, I believe that, will and hard work with the help of time could change everything. That's why I kept on trying and do my best, all this time on purpose to make my family proud of me. That's my purpose of life. I love him with all my heart, its true. But, my selfishness not worthy enough to destroyed everything I fight for from the very beginning; my family affection."

"Are you sure?" his voice full of uncertainty.

"I can't offer you my love because I can't promise you my heart. I don't know if I can give you a relationship full of happiness and sweet smiles. I can't promise you to forget him nor do I promise you my whole love. And I also can't promise you anything but my genuine heart to start everything over, because I'm willing to try." I said as I staring at his pearl pair eyes and I offer him a small smile.

"Are you willing to accept me as I am; now you know what I can not and can give?"

He was looking at me with intensity as his eyes searching for something on my eyes. His eyes kept on staring at me with confusion and something else that I can't understand. I was startled when suddenly he hugs me and I tried to just relax in his embrace while burying my face on his chest.

I'm so very sorry, Nauto. You may judge me as you'd like; I deserve it. I don't care what you would think of me. You may say maybe my love is not strong enough or anything, but, there is something more important than my selfish love, there's more than it; it is my family. I can't risk loosing them over anything; not evening my love for you.

But, even though with whatever you may think of me, of our love, I'll never called it foolish to fell in love with you even though I knew it is, because its foolishness nature of being in love then it isn't foolish, right?

"Now, don't even think of running away from me. Because, I'll never let you go, ever." I just nodded and he tightening his grip on me.

That is the time I understood what Neji's words mean that the most painful things in life is to fell in love.

The memory is still fresh to me. It's like it was happened yesterday. When I got accepted in Konoha's Medic University, I cried because my Father doesn't see it to be something proudly enough to worth such as congratulation, and then I know that I've failed him for the hundredth times.

But at that time, when I was on my lowliest state, when I'm down, Neji come to my rescue. He was there, comforting me and wiped away all of my tears and asked me,"Do you know what the most painful thing in this life is, Hinata? The real pain in this life is to fell in love."

"Wha-what? I-I do-don't understand. H-how so? Isn't the most amazing things in life is to fell in love?"

Neji shook his head, "No. Love will just lead you into misery. As it is now; you were crying. Because, when you fell in love you will learn to shed tears, to hate, to sacrifice and to be selfish. Love… will make you a fool. Well… according to my opinion, in the end, happy ending is just a fairy tale. But, then again, bad and good is just a perspective. It's depending from which angle you saw. Though, lives will be beautiful at its own times. "

From the very start, I thought life is as simple as it seems with my Father always demanding the best from me; then I just have to be strong, and I have to become what he wanted me to be. He never accepted failure.

And that is me; failure. What I can do is to displease him in anyway possible. When he wanted me to be a strong and manipulating business woman, what I turned into was a shy and lack of confident person.

And now, because of my love for my father, I have to accept my engagement to Neji. In this whole world, what I can't bear the most is to fail my family, especially my Father. I don't want to disappoint my father any further and I would give anything and everything, to have just one small smile on his face because of my deed. But, even though I give all of my best, I'm still not good enough.

**I'm useless.**

And if what I can do to please my father and make him proud is just to accept the decision made by my family, then so be it. But, at least, I know that the man I would be marrying to is someone who loves me. In fact, I was grateful for that.

Neji. He is a mystery. I thought, he was joking when he confessed his feelings. He says that he have loved me from the very start; when the first time we met, on my birthday party. And I vividly remember what he was he said back then.

"_She is cute, Father." When his father and my father heard what he said, they were laughing and teased her. _

And that is the first time, someone ever praising me with such a word. Again, it makes me blush furiously and I just burying my faces deeper on his chest.

My thought was interrupted as I heard my little sister voice coming into my room. Hurriedly, I tried to push Neji but he doesn't budge.

"Sister, wha-" Hanabi's voice stopped instantly when she saw my position. "Ah, I'm sorry! I didn't intentionally come here to interrupt you two. But, Father won't be so kind to be kept being waiting for you to show up, Sister." She said bluntly. "And, Uncle Hizashi doesn't seems very happy when he know that you're gone, too, Cousin Neji." Hanabi's continue.

Finally, Neji let go of me and then he tilted my chin with his slender finger, his eyes never let go of mine. "This is the last time; it's your last chance, Hinata." Neji's said with his eyes still focused on mine. "Are you sure? You won't regret it?"

I gave him my sweetest smile I could muster. "There'll always be regret, but, I will regret more if I choose otherwise." Then I feel his big hands cupped my cheeks and his finger caressing it softly. Then Hanabi's voice can be heard again as she reminding us about her presence and Neji steps back while let go off my cheek then turn around and walked out.

When he reach the door knob, I stopped him and I apologize to him but he just walk away without responding.

"Sister,"

I looked up and Hanabi's made her way approaching me.

"What's wrong? Is everything alright?" She said as she wrapped her small hands on my shoulder. Her eyes full of concern. I smile convincingly.

"It's nothing, really. Just…I don't know – I – I almost did something I would regret the rest of my life, Hanabi."

Hanabi turning me around so I could see my appearance on my full length mirror. "See." She said. "Do you think you are ok, now?"

I shook my heads no.

"There's some trace of tears on your pretty faces. Sister, you can not show up like this; you are a mess! And Sister, you shouldn't have had let Cousin Neji saw your tears-traced faces. Because it would have broke his heart to know how unhappy you are."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry to me; you should be sorry for him. And Sister, did you know that I was used to be jealous of Cousin Neji?" Hanabi asked as she loosing her hands around me and turn away to sat at the edge of my bed.

"Why is that?" I asked then me turning around to face her.

She pouted and said, "Because Cousin Neji doesn't know how lucky he was to have someone like you as his fiancé." Hanabi paused. "But now, I'm not very envy about his situation anymore. Right now, I pitied him; I pitying him so much to the point I can't even look his way."

"And why is that, may I ask, Little Sister?"

"At first I envied him, because you are the most precious sister I had. And then, I pity him because he didn't have your heart and love."

I walked toward her then sat beside her on the bed. I took her hands in my arms. I smiled at her and spoke, "Do you know what the most beautiful thing in this world is?"

Hanabi frowned and shakes her head, no. "What is that?"

"The most beautiful thing in this world is to be loved by someone. To be accepted. That's mean; I was the one who is lucky here. Not Him," I said as I moved some strand of hair that covering her eyes. "And the stupidest thing in this world is to abandoning the one that loved you, especially your family."

Hanabi sees to understand what I was saying. She smiled at me and nodded, "I understand!"

"So, are you ready yet? Because now, I'm ready," I said.

"Eh…? No way! You have to applying some make up first to erase the tears trace on your cheek, Siter!" then Hanabi start applying the make up on me.

"Now, it's time. Come on," then I sit up and take Hanabi's hand with me as I open the door to saw Neji standing there, waiting for me. His expression is calm and collected as usual. Then my eyes met his and at that moment, I knew fro sure that I'm willing to try; trying to love him as he did me.

"Shall we?" he asked while give me his hands to take.

"Big Sister, Cousin Neji, I'm leaving first then. Just… just take your time, ok? Don't worry, I'll make you some excuse to buy you some time." said Hanabi with a sweet smiles as she made her way downstairs.

I smiled at her and then my gaze fell to the man who is standing right beside me. I take his waiting arms and we walked downstairs'.

With every step that I take, I made up my mind.

I know from the heart that if we are willing to try then there is nothing such as impossible in this whole world. We just have to give our best, because with our hard working we can achieve everything just let the time answer to our hard works.

The life I'm living in, teach me one thing: everything had their own place in our heart; such as families, lovers, friends and everything else, but when we're in the situation to have to choose one of them, then just think about which of them is the most precious for you, which of them is the one you can not part with, which of them is the one you can not live without. Then you'll find the right answers, because each human being had their own answers. And do not be selfish, because selfishness will give you nothing at all.

**Thank you for wasting your time by reading my story and I apologize for the grammar error and misspellings, because English isn't my native language and I'm still learning it at school.**

**Please review and give your opinion about this story.**

**-Nevin c'Edelweys-**


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